Episode 18: The Pianist

So I realize I've been off the grid for a bit, but a lot happened in a short period of time, and my long running celibacy came to a screeching halt recently. When I visited my family for the holidays, I almost blew it with an ex-boyfriend from high school (WHAT?!) but I held strong (not giving in to that childish bullshit) and instead had a lovely one-night stand with a friend, who I'm going to call The Pianist.

Before I begin, I will admit that this fling with my ex from high school hit me really hard. He was my first love, and for a second, I fell in love with him all over again. I think, however, I fell in love with an idea, a dream, really, someone from the past that I always wanted it to work with, but it never did... and never will. This came after much reflection and the culmination of the sexual tension between me and The Pianist, a close friend of The Fuck Buddy, who happened to be my first venture into post-boyfriend sexploration.

But back to the good stuff...

The Pianist and I have a long-standing history of flirtation, but nothing beyond that. I made out with him once, which was honestly quite electric, but really meant nothing. We were drunk... it happens. However, this time around, alcohol again lubricated things and it escalated quickly in a really public situation. Public really isn't my style, but fuck it, I'll make out with a boy under a blanket at a party.

Well, apparently we did for hours, and as everyone retired to their respective make out locations, The Pianist and I remained in the living room, on the inappropriately large couch of The Fuck Buddy's apartment. (Oops?) In my drunken state, I decided that fucking was an okay idea for our friendship, and told him to find a rubber. This apartment being the bachelor pad that it is, The Pianist suddenly produced one from some drawer somewhere and suited up.

I was expecting pain from my alarmingly regenerative vagina (a blessing and a curse); I figured I had re-virginized myself with my 5 month celibacy. Upon entry, I was thrilled at the fact it was effortless and painless. I practically threw a party in my brain.

And then for what must be the millionth time in my life, I realized it was a "it's not me, it's you" situation: The Pianist had a 5" SKINNY dick. We're talking expo pen.

I honestly don't remember much of it except for the displacement of pillows, the grunting, and me being not satisfied. I think he went down on me for about 30 seconds, and then decided that he'd rather just fuck me. I kept pulling him into me, hoping he'd be deeper, but this tiny dick thing was not doing the trick. It didn't even feel good, I guess. It didn't feel like anything.

I woke up the next morning with a naked man draped over me in the horribly bright light of morning glaring through the living room windows. Yuck. I peeled him off of me (literally) and went home and passed out (regrettably without a shower.) I woke up hours later to discover was bruised, not from him thrusting me, but from me slamming into him in hopes of feeling SOMETHING. (Great, so I got to feel it the next morning. Blegh.) What a tragic failure.

He texted me later that day with a girlish "we cool?" Yeah, we're cool. Stop being so insecure. Pros of this experience: breaking my celibacy record and squashing the sexual tension. (Am I sure these are pros?) Cons of the experience: bruises.

I didn't think there was such a thing as a dick that was too small. In fact, I've spoken pretty openly about how a small dick is kind of nice sometimes - guys will overcompensate in other areas, and quite frankly, that's what gets me off. However, this time, lesson learned: there is such a thing as a dick that is too small.

Episode 17: Celibacy

Recently, I've realized that I may be too ready and willing. I don't find anything wrong with casual sex, but I am finding that I am emotionally attaching myself to people that aren't willing to reciprocate... it kind of puts me in an uncomfortable position.

There's something inside of me that's changed and is kind of looking for something more. I'm tired of committing to things that don't exist (even if it's just a "sex thing") and putting my hopes in someone else. I think I need to take a break from abusing my self-respect.

Episode 16: Worn Out

I haven't had a man-made orgasm in at least 8 months. That's bad. Like really bad. When I was with the ex, I got the occasional "attention" I needed. But after awhile, I think we both gave up. Maybe that's why we failed...

Whatever. Point is, no guy since then has made my punani do the happy dance. All I've got is my handy dandy best-friend-in-times-of-need: my pocket rocket.

Okay, I've heard it before. "A vibrator cannot replace a man." Yes, I am very aware of it. In fact, I love man-made orgasms (I don't think I'd mind a woman-made orgasm either, but since I'm pretty much straight all of the time, I'll stick to "man made".) But something a man can't always give me is consistency. I can't rely on a man to ALWAYS give me an orgasm when I expect one. (Yes, I am one of those women that can't always have an orgasm. In fact, I am fairly sure there is only one way to get me to have one, and nobody has done that specific trick in awhile.) A vibrator knows what you like best: I know exactly where to put it and what to do with it to make it most effective. It's to the point, gets the job done with minimal effort, and I don't even have to kiss it when it's done.

Oh God. I'm one of those women. I'm in a relationship with my vibrator. Fuck.

No. This can't be. It's impossible. Absolutely impossible. I've been dating. I've been having sex. Just none of them involve orgasms. I'm not in a relationship with my vibrator, I'm just attached to it. Happens.

I've always been afraid to introduce it to a guy, a boyfriend, a fling, anything. I'm afraid introducing such a powerful little friend will fuck it up and I'll come to rely on it. I don't want to have threesomes every time. I'm a one man woman, and my vibrator is not invited to the party. But I've always wondered...

It's such a bad idea. Terrible. But the worse thing is that it's dying. My vibrator is dying. It is sad and eats up batteries... we're talking one a night, and I don't have rechargeables. Now that I think about it, that would be a wise investment. Note to self.

In other news, The Suit is playing games, I'm losing patience, and I've gone back to my faithful little friend. I guess I'm going to have to be okay with that for awhile. Damn you, Pocket Rocket. I can never let you go.

I need to have sex soon or my brain is going to explode. I'm not gonna lie, a good dicking is always better than a little buzz. Never anything wrong with that though. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Episode 15: Fuck Me.

I was at a movie when I missed his text...
The Suit: Wanna do it again?
Me (an hour later): Duh. I thought you'd never ask.

Still haven't heard anything back. At least I know he wants to do it again and I wasn't just crazy.

Sorry for the lack of updates. There's just been a lack of sex.

Episode 14: Forever Whatever

So things with The Suit and that's alright I suppose. Not that there was anything to "work out" - we're both not in the place for a relationship. That simple.

So, if I'm just sleeping with this guy, what's the rules with dating? Do I have to tell fuck buddy that I'm seeing someone? Do I have to see the person I'm seeing that I have a fuck buddy? What are these rules, and do I even have to follow them?

This comes up because I might have a date with someone tonight. I don't know if it's a date (it's probably not) but I've been flirting with this guy for awhile now. I know he used to have a little crush on me, but gave up after he found out (at the time) I had a crush on his good friend. So whatever, maybe those feelings are back... Don't get me wrong, I do like this guy as well... My issue is I don't know if I can get past the "friend" phase. Yeah, that's really the question: If I can get past the "friends" thing and be a little more romantically interested in him. We'll see I guess...

Episode 13: Jackrabbits.

I don't have sex on the first date. It's just not something I do.

However, when I went out with a good friend the other night, I don't think we realized it was a date, and I don't think we realized we were going to have sex.

I met him a few years ago through some projects - we were introduced and realized our business styles were similar. He has a kind of professionalism that I respect and admire. We had fallen out of touch over the past year: we were both in serious relationships (he had moved in with his girlfriend), and we hadn't been working a lot together. I was surprised when he called me in late August. He told me that he had flown to meet his girlfriend's parents with her in Europe, and that after he arrived, she dumped him for another woman. He flew back to the states and called me the next day for guidance. It surprised me: I didn't expect a call from him, nor did I know he respected my opinion that much. I talked him through the immediate pain, and checked in on him the next few days to make sure he was okay.

When I got back here, he called and wanted to get dinner. We desperately needed to catch up.

We met at a really adorable restaurant halfway between our apartments. I was a little dressed up - during the day I decided to go with my "professional" look. When I got out of my cab, he was wearing a suit. God, he looked fucking handsome. Incredibly sexy. (I later learned that these days he always wears a suit, so it wasn't like he was getting dressed up for me or anything.)

We were at the restaurant for hours; we closed the place down. The conversation was effortless - we talked a lot about our recent breakups... we both missed having the presence of another body in our beds; snuggling is a basic human right. Otherwise, we had so much to catch up on and It was so great to hear about how successful he's been lately. It was blinding actually - success is sexy when you've been dating guys who you have to ask to pay for your dinner - he picked up the entire bill (He wouldn't let me look at it, but I'm guessing it was around $100.) I'm not a golddigger or a moneygrubber by any means - It's just really attractive to be taken care of for once.. I've always felt like I had to be the nurturer.

He had told me about his new apartment - the one he had to get as soon as his girlfriend broke up with him - and I volunteered to go see it after dinner - I figured I wouldn't know when I'd see him again or have another chance to travel out to his apartment, so I might as well go with him now and get the grand tour.

It took us a little while to get out there, but his apartment was cool. Empty at the time - he has JUST moved in days before - practically no furniture. We talked about what he was going to buy and where it was going to go. I realized it was starting to get really late and mentioned I might need to leave soon... he suggested I just stay over - we indulge in our aforementioned snuggling desires - I figured it was safe, thinking "It's just snuggling."

So I stole a pair of his sweatpants and jumped into bed. He followed soon after and we were wrapped and intertwined. It was such an embrace that felt so good, so right. I opened my eyes for a split second and saw him staring back at me. He had one of those looks - you know what I'm talking about - and I knew what was up. I had subconsciously tricked myself into this, and now I was going to have to make a call.

"This cannot change things professionally." I said. "I will not have it. I am an adult and this should be dealt with maturely."
He said something about being an adult as well and that he wasn't concerned at all with the situation.

The next thing I knew, clothes were coming off. We were breathing into each other and our bodies just seemed to click. It was marathon sex - hours of it. Probably the most I've ever had in one night. "Was it good" is the question that always comes up - and I can say that some of it was great... felt amazing. Sometimes when we were done with a round, he would just stay inside me... we were connected in those moments and it was so surreal. On the other hand, it got a little jackrabbity at times. Gentlemen, whoever told you that pounding it into me like you were whacking off with your hand was never sexy, never good. Painful, in fact. Not cute. Ow. Still hurts.

But otherwise, it was nice.

We got 4 hours of sleep (normal for him apparently?) and I woke up the next morning completely disoriented and somewhat mindfucked. Manic, to be more precise. We had sex again, got in the shower, and went about our work.

It took me awhile to come to a few realizations about the situation: first, when we got in the shower, it wasn't sexual at all. It was a shower. He just happened to be standing next to me. Second, all day I was a completely manic mess, trying to figure out if I actually ha feelings for this person, or if I was just jaded by money, sex, and success.

I still don't know how I feel about it. I have feelings for him, sure, I just don't know what they are yet.

Episode 12: Unlucky

I don't think things are working out with The Self Depricator. We're good friends, still, but he's emotionally unstable to the point where I fear I am far too invested in our friendship, and he is basically relying on me for emotional support. That's scary to me. I don't think I've ever been in a friendship where someone else is relying on me for emotional support. I'm more than willing to do this for him, because I genuinely care about him, but I question his dedication to me.

I'm back in my usual place of residence trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I'm young... so young... and I have plenty of time to figure these things out.

I am realizing, however, that I am unintentionally abusing my friends who are in serious relationships. When I run into them, one of the questions to escape my lips is (before "how is your relationship"?) "Does your boyfriend have any amazing single male friends?"

I'm beginning to sound desperate. Pathetically so. I feel like I'm hunting. I've been back for about 24 hours and I'm hunting. My weaknesses are getting the best of me, and my vibrator is no longer giving me the companionship I need. The Self Depricator satisfies me conversationally, my vibrator is a bit of a sexual release, but I feel like I need to be fucked and then spooned; my vibrator and a telephone can't do that.

Have I mentioned I'm completely over phone sex? I've been in a few long distance relationships where phone sex was brought into play - even webcam shit went down - but I feel as if even calling up a booty call or two for a little phoneplay is not gonna get the job done anymore. Anonymous sex scares me (sorry craigslist) so I'm not sure what I'm going to do anymore. Geez.

Where is the untapped reserves of attractive, single, mature, young men? Can we drill for that in Alaska? I'll put in a call to Sarah Palin. God. Her political career is really going to be over when McCain loses the election.

But back to sex, and all of it that I'm not having... Things need to change or I'm going to start fucking my friends again, or even worse, I'll try women again and make a whole new world of hell for myself.