Episode 7: Living in Oblivion

I met a boy who I am attracted to. I’m a firm believer that at first meeting, or even first glance, you can tell if you have sexual chemistry with someone. And I’m not one to really mix friends and fuck, which is something I’ve been clear about from the beginning. But I can’t read this guy, and although he could be a fuck, I’m unsure whether or not he wants to be “just friends.” I think I’ve been pretty forward thus far, but he’s been sending me seriously mixed messages, and I don’t know what to expect anymore.

I suppose I’m thinking about it too much. To a certain degree, I should let things happen naturally, but I’m not really a believer in that. I’m more of a pusher… I’m constantly working to get what I want, and if a boy is what I want, it’s what I’ll get.

The first time I hugged him, it was insincere. Awkward almost. He’s not a touchy feelie person. But the other night, as we said our goodbyes, his hug was different. It had meaning to it... less "I'm hugging you because it's the right thing to do now," more "I'm hugging you because you're amazing."

I honestly want to tell him what I think of him: How I find him terrifyingly charming even though he is tragically socially awkward in large group situations. How when he smiles, I can't help but smile; his toothy grin makes all things right. When he smiles, I just want him to hold me. I want to be the reason that smile exists. I want that smile to be for me. I adore how he seems wise beyond his years; how well-read and articulate he speaks. How he doesn't seem to care what I think of him at all. He blows my mind with the amount of kindness he shows towards others. His loyalty to his friends is inspiring. His honesty and openness make me feel like I'm not the only one who feels the way I do sometimes.

I suppose this is a certain level of infatuation that I am not comfortable with. He kind of takes me to a place that was once familiar, but is no longer a part of my life. I know for a fact he does not feel the same way, but I know he cares for me, which is what's important at this point in my life. I would rather have a strong group of talented, loving friends than a gorgeous fuck any day.