Episode 9: Stay or Leave

I'm not quite sure what I wanted to write about today, but I'm going to just put my thoughts out there...

This guy (aka The Self-Deprecator) is killing me. I have fallen for it really bad. Our daily conversations have moved from just online to the phone, which to one degree scares me, because I feel as if I'm expecting him to call now. Everyday. On the other hand, its comforting. It's like having the emotional support I've been looking for in a relationship, but not having to deal with the messy stuff.

Actually, we've been playing games, and I don't think either one of us will admit it.

One of the games is the "I'm so glad you're my friend and I can talk to you about who I'm hooking up with" game. The SD apparently got more game than I expected him (bravo, sir) and has thrown a few stories I wasn't expecting. Then again, I think my past adventures also kind of catch him off guard: at times I sound like a bit of a whore, in reality of a comparison to my peers, I'm a pretty prude chick. Oh well. This game is pretty much him being like "I think I have a crush on this girl..." and the next day I'll throw in "I'm going out of town next weekend and I think it's a booty call." I think I'm a little more of an open book when it comes to my sexual past (go figure) but I'm unsure if he's just afraid of sharing anything like that, or if he's sparing me the gory details.

Another game we play is the "I hate my life game" where we both get into some funk about how horrible our lives currently on. You always want what you can't have, he tells me. But I honestly don't feel like I want anything else, I just don't like what I'm doing, and that's clear. I am constantly questioning my future path, and he's giving me his opinion, a direct response, which I so fucking appreciate, because people with fippy-floppy answers piss me off. Grr. He's comforting, yet just pushy enough that it will either push me further into my stubbornness, or make me see something I hadn't before.

Our final game is the "I miss..." game. This is usually when I say "I miss New York" and he goes "It misses you" or something to that extent. This translated into English means "I miss you." "I miss you too." It's odd, knowing that I could be on his mind right now. I try not to lie to myself, and I point out it is very well possible he is NOT thinking of me. This is true. But he is on my mind a lot, and for the amount of talking we do every day, I don't know how I couldn't be.

I simply adore his presence in my life and wish that fate would let it be something else. But I firmly believe that I'm here for a reason (even if it's a masochistic enforced reason) and that my mission, should I choose to accept it (already have), I have to complete what I came here to do in hopes of bettering my life in the long run.

My dilemma really lies in if I want this job I've been offered or not. On one hand, I know its the best opportunity for me, but i hate it here. I have never been happy in this city. I don't think I ever will be. My other option is to go back to New York, but I question at this point whether I'm doing it for me, or if I'm doing it for my friends. I miss them a lot, and I question my motivation for either one of my choices. I am going to have to stick to the hand I've dealt myself, and somehow float through time for awhile. I won't know I've made the wrong choice until after it's done, and it's a risk I have to take.

I have to stop now. I'm expecting a phone call...